This Thanksgiving is a Gift

I think after the loss of a family member, it is pretty clear that the holidays are going to be prickly, surrounded by the thinnest layer of ice like one finds on a shallow puddle these cold mornings. Delicate.
All that water so close to the surface.
And I knew it was coming and saw my choices: maybe dive into the sadness or steel against it. I'm sure there are a lot of in betweens, too.

I was kind of shuffling back and forth like a boxer, trying to figure out what my move would be to this approaching holiday when the bell sounded. The match was canceled. My gloved hands fell to my side as I bewilderedly stared back at my husband.

"She isn't coming at all?"
"No, she doesn't feel well." he confirmed, talking about his mom.

We were quiet for a moment, both feeling out what to say and not say next.

"Should we go there?"
"No. She doesn't want anyone there. She doesn't feel well."
"Did you ask her?"
"Yes."
"For really reals you asked?"
"Yes."

Huh.

Hm.

We have no family coming to Thanksgiving.
All I have ever known was family coming to Thanksgiving.
I have no idea what this looks like. What this Thanksgiving is.

I don't need Linus coming out and saying "lo...." and having his speech about the true meaning of anything. I know the meaning of Thanksgiving is to give thanks and share love with one another and make some pie and bake some bread.

I have so many gifts around me that I don't have to name or list or count or share. Everyone knows. I am loud about it. My 3 children and my husband are my world, but my world, on Thanksgiving, has always been so much bigger. It has always had someone's brothers and someone's mother, and it used to have fathers, and it always had babies. Just this year, it will not.

I was blinking at it.

My husband is embracing the idea of change. We can do something completely different and enjoy it, a man who never favored the holiday or it's food. I can hear what he is saying and I can feel the turkey defrosting in the fridge. This day must occur. Food, parade, discomfort, more food.

I had about 18 hours of a little bah humbug creeping in. Nothing major. No need to be visited by ghosts or anything. And then my principal pointed at me while I was eating my lunch and said "I have a job for you. You will DJ our faculty/8th grade football game."

I will?
And then he pointed to my friend sitting next to me and recruited her as DJ, too.

What was originally a stunned, panicky feeling became a hilarious and wonderful time on the side of the field. I was struck by how much family I am surrounded by every day at work. I became the Grinch at the tip of the mountain, holding a sled aloft, heart 3 sizes too big.

I left school and went to the store and bought 2 new sleds and lots of candy for snowed in fun. I am going to make my kids help prepare the food (until I find that appropriately annoying) and we are going to decorate and my husband will build fires and we will maybe get our tree- he can saw that down.

This Thanksgiving is going to be different.
This Thanksgiving is going to be a gift.
I will toast those I miss with the love and joy of all I have.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Children Live Here

Why is my coaster on the floor? It isn't even an interesting coaster. It is an ugly fake cork temporary one until I find or make coasters I like. But it is on the floor.

Why are there random socks on the rug? Why are there socks on the stairs? What the heck with the socks?

Why is the vegetable peeler on the couch? Why is yarn dangling from the bannister? Who did this?

What is my colander doing on the porch? Why is MY comb not in my bathroom? What the heck is going on with the laundry basket on the driveway?

I haven't worn those high heels in forever. Why did I just trip on them? Who is in my closet doing this?

WHY is EVERY towel in ALL the lands crumpled at the foot of the bathroom sink?

Who did that to the cat? Why? Stop that with the cat.

Who put back the empty cartons? Empty jugs? Empty boxes? No thank you to a half eaten apple back in the fruit bowl.

Where is the remote? WHY is it upstairs? Every couch cushion is on the floor? Yes, every last one. Well now we can go see all the lost matches to the socks.

This is why no one is invited to dinner or for drinks. This is why we can't have nice THINGS. Don't you ever want nice things? Don't you want friends to BRING YOUR PARENTS WINE?

Put the cat back down.

Go to bed.

Not one more hug!

OK, one more hug.

GO to sleep.

When I say go to sleep I mean it so very much right now to happen now!

Good night.



Why is it so quiet?
It is eerie quiet.
Why am I so tired?

Karma

What is the deal with Karma? Is it for real? Is it coincidence with a fancy name? Consequence put in a higher power's hands?
I have been thinking about it a lot lately. It is an old belief that spans different religions. Some believe it is run by a higher power and others believe it is more of a natural cause and effect. 
It isn't Fate. 
It is a reaction not necessarily "due" a person, but caused by a persons' actions. We talk about it a lot as a payback, though. 
It originated more as what keeps balance in the world. It was interesting researching it a bit. Essentially there is no good and bad Karma then, right? 

Just Karma.

Though in my life there are plenty of times I could think of Karma, I think about it the most living off of rt 117. It is a hairy road to turn on to. Ever since moving here, I flash my lights and wave my hands to many cars that are trying to cross, turn on, or turn off of the road. I give many people the opportunity to get to where they are going without having to wait, some times of day easily 4 minutes, just to turn on to 117. SO many drivers look right through me. 
Nope. 
Nope. 
I am going. 
I am going to keep driving. 

Well, I don't. I figure the more people I wave on to that road, flooding them with relief from the waiting and intense concentration, the better. I allow such relief from the math problem: Timing + Velocity + Dick Factor 

Simplified: (T+V+DF=K)

This in turn should allow for more people to invite me to join the stream of traffic when I need to, right? Is that selfish?

I also think about it when I smile at a complete stranger or chat with an elderly person. You, complete stranger, need a smile. You need to chat. You are probably lonely. I will probably be lonely one day, too. I will need someone to smile at me when I am searching my 10 gallon purse for my wallet and holding up the line of tskers and heavy sighers. 

Or you know what? Maybe my mom will need someone to chat with her while in line at the pharmacy. Maybe my dad needed a smile after he stumbled a bit and looked around for a steady place to put his hand. Perhaps someone will help my child figure out a situation when I am not around. Maybe I am being attentive to others because someone was already attentive in my world? Maybe my good actions can go into the world and return to someone I love?  That sounds pretty lovely. 

Now, go forth and let me on the road.

Someday....

I told my husband this very seductive story last night.
It was about a time when, on the weekends, we will have nothing to do. How we will wonder what should we do to fill the day.
He interrupted my tale at once and said he didn't believe me.
"No, it is true! We will turn to Chronicle for ideas about where to go. We will stay at bed-and-breakfasts just to get out of the house...."
"You are making this up!" he said as he wiped the guts of a pumpkin from his hands so he could start carving.
"I mean it. You'll see!" I replied, itching my nose with my wrist, my hands sudsy from scrubbing a cheese grater, and getting splashed by the new dishes the sugared-up kids were throwing in the sink. "For reals!"
"We will never not have to do something." He was adamant.
"That is what all parents think and then suddenly we won't be needed."

On a Sunday night after a busy weekend, my words were a comfort to our weary selves.
As I woke to a quiet house, pre-dawn, my thinking about it has taken a well-rested turn in direction.
I will miss these weekends.
I will miss being needed.

With three kids, the being needed will wean out, thankfully, but it will happen. I am not sure how much longer I will hear "One more hug and kiss!" while I am trying to leave their bedroom at night. Sometimes? I drag my feet going back in to give it to them. I self talk- "they need this, they are asking for this, make sure they feel this love to send them to sleep." I could feel bad about the dragging feet, but I know I am not a bad parent for being done by 9pm. Days can be exhausting.

I am on the cusp of the possibility that my oldest will withdraw from me for a while. I can see the balancing act of it. When to return her hug fiercely, when to grab her for one on one. When to add the humor and when to remove it from a situation. When to let the slamming of a door go and when to march up there, young lady, and let her know what is what. Soon, that door will be open and the room quiet because she will be away in school or in her apartment, or in her house that I will hope hope hope is in my town or near by.

I remember when I lived in PA my mom told me I lived far away in the boonies. When I finally made it back to MA to live, my mom told me I lived too far away from the Cape. Now, 50 mins from her apartment in Boston, my mom took my hand and said "I wish you lived closer." And on quiet mornings like this, I know what she means. Me, too, mom.

Someday, my husband and I will have nothing to do. And those first few weekends, we are going to relish it. We are going to spin in it, and take road trips, and sit and read, and grocery shop together (my fantasy) and sleep in (his fantasy) and eat dinner at 9pm like we did when first married, and maybe move back to NYC. Or maybe he can convert my porch into an all season one and we'll just stay here forever where our kids have space to return. And we will count the days until they do. And we will keep busy getting their favorite foods and planning a winning outing we can all do together, and hope they have allotted us some time during their visit to hang out with us. We will be pretty bored by then I am sure.
And I hope they live closer.

Looking Ahead, Looking Back.

Around this time every year it is time to buy a new calendar and start filling it with all the sporting events, parties, Dr. and DDS appointments made 6 months in advance, and get generally organized as we approach the starting of a new year.

I usually take about 40 minutes to pick out a new calendar. This year I grabbed the one with Asian images and Thich Nhat Hanh quotes on it because if the last week is any indication, I need to calm the heck down and mindfulness quotes can do that for me.

As I settled in to filling in the crisp new pages without any cross outs, arrows, or kids' embellishments of "yay!" for sleepovers or "don't go!" for trips, I grabbed my current calendar to copy birthdays down. And that is when I stopped and just stared at all the pages.

What a year.

And I don't just mean the heavy stuff. I mean, I saw an elaborate meal crossed off the dinner menu one night because a friend called for a walk. I remember that walk.

A dentist appointment that started me seething. I don't even go to that dentist anymore.

A birthday I write down every year even though I am not in touch with that person- do I not write it this year?

A birthday of a friend I never hear from lately. I texted her a hello.

Whoa! So many birthdays in February, March, August.

I looked at Little Brendan's birthday and he shares it with the Dalai Lama.
(Of course he does.)

April. My Father's birthday. My Dad's day of first breath. And, there. Two weeks later he had died. I kind of had to meet my new April. The whole month had just become so much different than the Spring, new life, daylight filled days that it was back in March. What struck me was that my Dad died on Good Friday. This upcoming year Good Friday lands on his Birthday. That spoke to me. Not so much in a religious sense since I am not religious. But Dear ol' Da grew up a good Catholic boy into the man who made sure we all got the foundation of a religion that so shaped his family, neighborhood, and men he worked for. I thought it a decent nod to a life well lead. I also liked that the day he was born the first year after he died was labeled a Good Friday, because his death was a blessing and his presence in the world was quietly powerful.
 As I hung up the calendar I faced the quote that tells me that my looking ahead and looking back needs to come to an end.

What Gets Left Behind

Yesterday I was sad.

I wrote to my brother, Ter, and he wrote back that he, too, was sad. He wrote: It is said that after a break-in, it takes a really long time to know what is lost.
We were talking about the death of our father.

You hear the word "profound" when it comes to an amazing amount of loss and devastation or tremendous change with huge impact.
Yes. That's right.
I can be hiding from my family, trying to stifle a crying jag, and the word "profound" repeats in my head, like a mantra. It is a perfectly round sounding word like the noise of pain. It is a perfectly accurate word to describe how I am feeling. How I've been changed. How I'm thinking.

Like being robbed, I go to ask my father a question like one would reach for their necklace. Gone.
I hear his voice like one would see what appears to be the corner of their laptop under a couch cushion. A mind's trick.

And what got me yesterday was that I didn't even know that I had lost an old familiar tradition shared until receiving the stinging slap of realization. I didn't see it coming so I couldn't brace for it and was unbalanced by it.

On a quiet, rainy and dark morning, I'm sitting in a chair he frequented, and I'm thinking about how he would make me feel a little bit better. What words he would use. But all that comes to me is a completely different memory.

He was home one weekend day and my mom was out. I'm maybe 10 and cleaning my closet when this horrendous Mickey Mouse doll fell on my head. (It had a hard body and you could squeeze his hands to make him pigeon step around. Am I dating myself with this?)

I was more offended by the attack than anything and ran downstairs to tell him what happened.

"What doll hit you?" he demanded, in all seriousness.
"Mickey Mouse." I said.

My father got up from the couch, grabbed his cigarette and went marching up to my room.
I ran off behind him, confused. He got to my room and halted. (Probably frightened by the mess. He was a tidy man.)
"Show me. Show me."
Obediently, I ran to my closet and grabbed the offending toy and held it up to him. He placed his cigarette between his teeth, giving him a ferocious and menacing appearance, and took Mickey from me and said, "Hey, buddy! Blammo!" and hit the doll square in the face.

(stunned silence)

He handed the toy back to me, removed his cigarette from his mouth, and kissed me on the head.
"Nobody hurts Kitty Kat Kate."

How fortunate that memories can never be stolen. And you can find them when searching through the wreckage.

Is It My Kid?

I was walking today with a friend of mine that I met a couple of years ago. Our girls were in the same class and they had hit it off, we had hit it off, all was happy and new. We would see each other off and on as would our kids.

The following school year, our girls were in different classes. They had lunch and recess time together, still, but there definitely had been a shift. I didn't hear her name often. There were no requests to play with her. The mom and I didn't see each other anymore, either. When we bumped into each other, all was fine, but we didn't connect outside of that as before.

I asked my daughter if she and her friend had a falling out. She said not really. They just played different games. I asked if they could still find some games to play together, maybe, and I got the shrug off.

But I wanted to ask her more. I wanted to know if she had disrupted the friendship. I asked her, "Have you done anything to upset your friend?" She said she had not.

I wasn't convinced.
Was it my business?
Should I push this any further?
Is there a reason why I am getting involved in her friendships?

There are articles circulating right now about raising polite children, kind girls, kids who won't be a bully or a brat. I do my best to make sure my kids are well schooled on what it means to be a friend and a kind person in their world.

I wanted to begin a refresher course with her on friendship to be sure she remembered what it took to be a thoughtful person. I also wanted to stay out of it because who was ever involved in the picking and choosing of my friends when I was a child?

I realized I wondered if the lack of time I spent with my new friend was related to the lack of time our girls had with each other and I got a little panicky. What if my child had been mean and now I lost a friend?

Did I call or email? I did not. I didn't know how to approach it. I had such little time with my long standing friends, too. My socialization is at a minimum for me. I just let it all slip away.

A new school year has since begun.

Today, the mom quite easily said to me that it seemed our girls were getting along again.
"YES!" I blurted out. "I noticed that, too." I was counting steps along side of her, lost on how to ask the question,

"Was it my kid being the punk?"

What was I to do if she said yes? Would she say yes? Would she say no? Would she know either way?

Then I wondered, why do I assume my child to be the one who ended it? Why did I assume it is anyone's fault? Haven't I dropped off from being with those I used to be friendly with? Isn't that really a part of the ins and outs of years passing us by? Why did this take up so much of my thinking?

I'm still working it all out. I made sure to say that I hope my child hadn't done anything to upset hers and she said she didn't think so. I have to take that as the answer and let everything be. We even spoke of a possible get together for the girls soon. My plan is for that to include some time for us.

I find that my children are extensions of myself. My mom used to say to us as we left the house, "Your behavior is a reflection on my raising you...!" with her leaving out the inferred "Don't make me look bad." I can't help but feel the same. However, there comes a time when our children's behavior is all their own and, hopefully, with all the lessons, examples, talks, and guidance, their behavior will be a practice in kindness.