I am running late...

"Depressions Awareness Month" has come and gone. Which is ironic as we head into the colder and darker months of the year. Some begin their slip into depression at this time. 

That was me, with seasonal depression. 

Then, I realized that though the name for it gave those around me some understanding and timelines, that it wasn't really true. I just continued being the animal I am- going to bed earlier as it was dark earlier. 

My depression just was. 

Just is. 

And it comes and goes. 

And it is okay. 

Because though it comes, 

it goes.

(the hardest part to remember when in it)

And I wrote about it because

it became

really big.

Failing

There are mornings when

Upon waking in my thoughts

I realize I’m failing

I’m a failure

That I am failing at

What I know I shouldn’t

That I am letting everyone

And myself

Down.

On those mornings when

I am a failure

I can’t stand to see or 

Be seen.

I need to be alone and fail

I need to stare off and fail

I need to not be needed

Or I will fail

More.

I can’t be witnessed

Or my failure will be real

And I will shatter

And never be together

again.

Hard Day

I just need to lie down 

I’m going to feel better 

I’m going to do better 

Just now I have to lie down 

I just need to not think

I can’t regard it all

I can’t accept it all 

Right now I need to not think

I just need you to understand 

I’m going to make sense soon

I am making sense to myself 

If you could just try to understand. 

I Know

I know that the sun comes out

no matter how grey the days

I know that children are happy when

love comes first

I know that being reactive 

doesn’t work and I need to figure out the fix

I know that someone unkind lives in my brain

and takes up too much room

when what I need is that room to be open

I know I get very overwhelmed and

that if I wait

I will not feel overwhelmed

I know that having a to do list that is just mine

feels lonely and feels doable

I know that the to do list doesn’t have to be just mine

all the time

I know that I feel too much sometimes

and that I mainly feel the right amount most of the time

which is the right amount for me

and can seems like too much to others

I know that I have work to do

I know that I have a job to do

I know that kindness matters and 

even t-shirts say so now

I know that words need to be in your chest,

and not just on your chest,

for them to have meaning