Growing

 

I checked in on my plants 

and they aren’t growing 

so very well.

When I tell you 

what an amazing 

vegetable garden I had during covid-

it would just make sense 

that I would keep trying, 

year after year, 

to get that back.

And I can’t. 

Everything is struggling 

and refusing 

and hiding behind weeds 

and hiding in the ground.

My first flash of frustration 

turned into a text to friends-

a picture of the failing. 

One  friend said, 

“I see green there…”

 which is true. 

I am cultivating green. 

I think the dirt was going to do that anyway, 

but I made the dirt soft in order 

for the green to grow.

I made the room.

The space.

And I am growing myself.

I am asking for help

and I am trying on my own

and I am standing my ground

and I am maybe believing.

I am growing hair back

and adjusting to a changing body

and wanting strength for strength,

not so much for the sleeveless dress.

(and also for sleeveless dresses)

And everything is also struggling

and refusing 

and hiding behind weeds 

and hiding in the ground-

rather, my head.

I don’t want that Covid garden back.

I don’t want that year that followed.

I don’t want to be frail

and lose my hair

and lose my voice

and lose my eye contact

and feel trapped 

and feel torn

and feel fearful.

I am cultivating.