"Depressions Awareness Month" has come and gone. Which is ironic as we head into the colder and darker months of the year. Some begin their slip into depression at this time.
That was me, with seasonal depression.
Then, I realized that though the name for it gave those around me some understanding and timelines, that it wasn't really true. I just continued being the animal I am- going to bed earlier as it was dark earlier.
My depression just was.
Just is.
And it comes and goes.
And it is okay.
Because though it comes,
it goes.
(the hardest part to remember when in it)
And I wrote about it because
it became
really big.
Failing
There are mornings when
Upon waking in my thoughts
I realize I’m failing
I’m a failure
That I am failing at
What I know I shouldn’t
That I am letting everyone
And myself
Down.
On those mornings when
I am a failure
I can’t stand to see or
Be seen.
I need to be alone and fail
I need to stare off and fail
I need to not be needed
Or I will fail
More.
I can’t be witnessed
Or my failure will be real
And I will shatter
And never be together
again.
Hard Day
I just need to lie down
I’m going to feel better
I’m going to do better
Just now I have to lie down
I just need to not think
I can’t regard it all
I can’t accept it all
Right now I need to not think
I just need you to understand
I’m going to make sense soon
I am making sense to myself
If you could just try to understand.
I Know
I know that the sun comes out
no matter how grey the days
I know that children are happy when
love comes first
I know that being reactive
doesn’t work and I need to figure out the fix
I know that someone unkind lives in my brain
and takes up too much room
when what I need is that room to be open
I know I get very overwhelmed and
that if I wait
I will not feel overwhelmed
I know that having a to do list that is just mine
feels lonely and feels doable
I know that the to do list doesn’t have to be just mine
all the time
I know that I feel too much sometimes
and that I mainly feel the right amount most of the time
which is the right amount for me
and can seems like too much to others
I know that I have work to do
I know that I have a job to do
I know that kindness matters and
even t-shirts say so now
I know that words need to be in your chest,
and not just on your chest,
for them to have meaning
