Listening

The past 3 months, I have been listening for you, Da.
Sitting on the Zen porch when the weather allows
Walking long, quiet roads
Swinging on a porch swing and watching birds.

I have been having a lot of hard conversations with you and with myself.
I have been having them with my family.
I have been in a struggle and not sure how to fit together so many pieces
Some missing
Some misshapen
Some stuck in my hand
Some lodged in my heart.











What would you say to me?
Other than ask me more questions
When I am seeking answers
Because the answers are mine.
I know.
I know.
I remember.

And what would you ask me?

You would ask me:
What is my true goal
Are the choices I have to make to attain that goal sound
Is there a chance it could fall apart
Is there a chance it could be a very good thing
Are you helping to make the world a better place
What is your gut telling you













And by the fourth question, I would be crying
I would be waiting for you to let me know if my answers were right
And you might let me know.
You might.
It would be in your eyes
And the set of your mouth
The way you exhale
And how your fingers touched as your hands came together.

I have made so many decisions
So many hard choices since you have been gone.
And this time of my life feels so uncertain
The world so fraught with change
So still and so ever evolving
I just feel I need you again
Nodding.
Listening.
Asking.

I know I can hear you
By listening to what you placed in my heart.
And when I listen
I become emotional.
I know I can hear you
By listening to what you placed in my character.
And when I listen
I become so certain.
I know I can hear you
By listening to what you placed in my mind.
And when I listen
I become my most reasonable.




My Dear Ol' Da.
I hear you.