The star is not at the top of the tree, yet, this year.
And though there are other significant differences this Christmas, it kind of comes down to the fact that the star is not in its usual place.
At first it was because nothing was on the tree except the lights I strung while the kids were away with their dad.
(This is something that happens now.)
Then the tree was decorated without one of the children because she was at school.
(Because this is something new this year, too.)
The star remained on the floor next to the tree after we finished decorating. Soon, when my daughter returned, the star moved to a shelf which, I guess, is a little closer to its typical place.
Once upon a time, when I was in my 20s, I was walking through Union Square's artists' craft fair on a cold and dark December night.
NYC at Christmas time.
There I saw a star that I found to be so beautiful. I paid the steep $20 dollars and brought it home. Such a stark contrast from the antique, porcelin angel I grew up with in my home.
I came back to our small apartment and placed it on top of the Kate sized tree my fiancé had surprised me with one afternoon.
In the future, my husband would place the star on top, tall enough to reach it whether it was short for apartment living or tall and well chosen (and personally cut) for our home.
Then, one day, he lifted a toddler to place the star on the top bough.
Eventually, he lifted three children to place the star on top, taking it back off between each child so everyone could have their chance (and photo) to place the tree topper.
He can't lift the children anymore at 18, 16, and 14.
We also don't all share this house like we once did.
There is now someone who lives here who was never a part of the star to begin with.
The star is not on top of the tree.
I am curious what will happen by Christmas day.
Will it be placed?
Will I just do it myself one day?
What reaction will that bring?
Relief?
Disbelief?
Indifference?
Questions are a very central part of this year for us
And there is a tree.
A very beautiful tree.
And the star is not at the top of that tree, yet, this year.
