Wednesday, July 22, 2015

No, Quiero No Slub

I used to teach with a woman who could speak Spanish and loved to sing. We would spend our prep periods singing Cher, Monkees, Elton John, and a favorite song, No Scrubs by TLC, sung in spanish. No, no quiero no scrub.

Why do I tell you this? (To begin a rant)

Because I no longer want, nor did I ever desire, slub clothing. For those not up on the lingo, slub in fabrics means having an irregular appearance caused by uneven thickness of the thread/yarn.
Por ejemplo:

Maybe a single shirt like this in one's arsenal is fine. However, I can't get away from them. I see a shirt I like, look closely.


Such a perfect sound effect for the disappointment.

No, no quiero no slub.

The word is giving me a rash and heartburn. The word is every bit terrible as moist.

Slub is not to be confused with burnout!
This material will have see-through parts. It will cling to every roll on your person. I can see it as workout wear because you either don't have rolls or you are working on your rolls. Go ahead.

And while we are on to the cling factor- every shirt this day and age is made with 1/3 of the material it once was. I remember cotton shirts being soft and yet had a thickness so that it fell away from every nook and cranny my local creamery has gifted me. Must we see the bra wedgies and edgies? Why do I now have to do the thing with my arms inside my shirt acting like two struggling squirrels running about before I slip my arms through the sleeve holes and finish dressing? Do you know of which desperate dance move I speak? Stretching out the front of my shirt to give myself a little "me" space from the material.

Hey, also- if I want to buy a white shirt these days, the clothing industry has the bonus of my also buying a cami to wear under it, thereby doubling their sales. They are obviously spending less on every piece of clothing we are buying because 2/3 of the material is reserved for more clothing manufacturing. Why must I buy two tops to count as one?

I just want to buy a shirt.

I. Want. To. Buy. A Shirt.

That covers.

That flatters.

That fits.

¿Es que tan mal?

My last words on the subject: Now that we know that none of these shirts cover us properly- if you wear a dark shirt, wear a dark bra. And with light goes light. Unless you are trying to make a statement. I thought that went out in the 90s, but that means nothing because I am no fashion icon nor genius in this realm. What I am saying is, if you aren't making a statement, match as best you can because if someone takes a picture, the bra color always shines through. Just look at all the pictures on social media. Your bathroom mirror isn't telling you this! (And if you are a man and are reading this, disregard. Unless you wear a bra. Then heed. Unless you are making a statement.)

My mother always said that all my taste was in my mouth, and yet I still wrote an essay on clothing. Ta-daaaah!

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