Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Dirty Conscience

Oh....the guilt.
And yes, I have heard all the reasons why I should feel no guilt and they all make sense to me, but who would I be without the guilt? Surely not Kate Laird, I tell you.

Surely....not Kate Laird.

I was overwhelmed.
I went from a job I could balance to one that I became a wee bit obsessive about. This is why I knew I shouldn't take a head teaching job. I mean, I know myself. I know my crazy.
Don't poke at it!
But I poked and was not getting everything accomplished outside of teaching, prepping, driving and feeding.

I finally conceded, "OK! Fine. We will get house cleaners. But they have to wear shirts!"

My husband looked at me sideways in the car, "OK. Good idea."

"You know what I mean. I want some sort of uniform."
"Wow!" He was shocked. "I never thought I would hear a demand like that from you."
"They can't wear something I would wear because then it should obviously be me wearing it and cleaning my own durn house!"
"OK. Monogrammed shirts."
"Stop judging me."
"I am not judging you. I am loving you."
"You are judging me and laughing at me."
"I am doing neither. Well, I am laughing because you are feeling so guilty when you shouldn't be."

I did some on-line searches for a company and read posts in local groups I belonged to. Things like "If you are looking for a house cleaner, please consider X! She is great and we have had her cleaning for 15 years!"
And I would think: 15 years? Poor X! Leave her alone, damn you! Stop pimping her out. (sob) Let the woman rest!

I saw ads for a cleaning company we tried before and would zip by them. I couldn't call them again. One woman was wearing a flowing skirt I had eyed at TJMAXX while cleaning my house. Why, Kate, did you not just buy the friggin' skirt and come home and clean your own house? You are the worst.
You deserve no TJMAXX skirt ever again.

My husband found a company and pointed out to me the shirts they wore on the website with joy!

shut up.

And then he pointed to the car they would drive with a matching logo!

shut up.

Fine.
We will call them.

We set up an initial cleaning which would be a payment per hour to get it up to "their code".

shut up.
(This was going to be a judgement in what I end up paying!)

Then we could pay a per visit fee.

The first thing that the team did was throw out my husband's bar of soap I had bought him that was jet black. Upon finding it missing in the shower, I wrung my hands and said "They assumed we had moldy soap! They assumed we were THAT BAD based on what they had to do to this house to get it up to "their code" of clean.
Oh my lord.
I can never meet these people.
I CAN NEVER MEET THEIR EYES!!!"

I run around and clean before they come most times.
Of course I do.
It is quite motivating.

This Summer we are all home. I plan an outing each week so we aren't "underfoot" (read: shamed in person) when they arrive. I literally have a backdoor plan should they arrive before we abandon ship and wait out their window of appearance.
I am so serious about this.
(My husband has given up on me.)

The few times we do meet- the faces are often different the times I have been home- there is always a warm smile from those who have warm smiles or a business hello from those who are all business. I can't find judgement in their eyes....well I  could if I searched long enough or dwelled on it as only I would (and do).
They have arrived to work and are doing their job.
I get it.
I am sure no one feels guilt for my giving a refresher mini lesson on dividing fractions to their children, nor do I heave a heavy sigh when editing writing with a student.
I need to get over it.

But I won't.

Or maybe I will?

(I won't.)

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